Lately I have been preoccupied with this weight loss journey I have embarked on and what I want it to do for me. A lot has gone through my mind as I surf through this world trying to re-discover who I am and reacquaint myself with who I once was.
I have lost 12.6 pounds since January 16, 2014 - but that is not good enough.
Old photos of long-time-ago-Aaron are something I revisit and obsess over - man, those were the happiest of moments. Those moments where I could go into my closet and come out well dressed, hip, in style and join my friends downtown for a night well spent socializing. Today, I am frumpy and in big boy clothes because that is what I have allowed myself to become. I have become a hermit and it is painful to acknowledge.
Today I look at the spattering of photos I have and I can tell I am not happy - I can see the frustration in my eyes, the look I know I have when I am hiding something from the rest of the world around me. Today I hide and dodge from all cameras, not because I do not want the camera stealing my soul, but because I am not photogenic anymore.
Choosing Nutrisystem was not accidental - their program really spoke to me. I knew I needed something routine and regimented to grant me success. Tomorrow (1/29/2014) it will be fourteen (14) days since I started the program.
Yes, I have fallen off the wagon a couple times - trying to find balance in my life will continue to ebbs and flow until I can pace myself. I am still frustrated with the amount of weight I have not lost on this program - I know they advertise on average 1-2 pounds/week. But dammit - I want it now. I want everything now - MY WAY.
That is one of the realizations I have made about myself - it is always about me - this selfishness I have discovered makes me sick to my stomach. Why does it have to be about me? Well, for one reason, especially this year, if it is not about me I will never be able to accomplish my weight loss beginnings. I will quit and throw in the towel before I even break a sweat - which, these days, is not hard to do.
I think I can safely say I have been one of the most giving people a lot of you have known, sometimes giving past the point of generosity to where I endanger my own health. I think anyone who is reading this has been there at one point in their life. Giving feels so good - it warms me to my core and it makes a difference in people's lives. But if I am not giving from a solid foundation - my efforts will crumble and break apart because I have neglected the source of the giving. The epicenter of generosity: me.
This year I have vowed to kick my own ass into shape, lose this weight and get back to being genuinely happy. There is no pretense here. No hype. No glamour. There is only Zuul. Oops, I mean, there is only Aaron Carter. Me. I am going to do this and you will not stop me.
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