#Introduction

This is me (on the left)...

Aaron & Will, Christmas 2013

...I guess you can say I look pretty happy.

My husband, Will is one of the greatest men I have ever known in my life. Intelligent, compassionate, nerdy and above all dedicated to the love he has for me and for us as a couple.

I am truly blessed to have found someone I call mine; a man who I love and a life I can live to its fullest by how committed we are to each other.

Yeah, I guess you can say I look pretty happy...

But underneath this smile lies a struggle. A brewing storm of destruction. 

I am not happy. I am sick and continuing to spiral out of control.

The bulk of my problem started back in January 2011, when I was going with a guy we will call 'Dickhead'. Dickhead seemed to be a good guy from the beginning, but as everyone knows, dating is such a tricky dance. Full of time spent evaluating, "Does this work for me?" "Is this guy good for me?" "Am I happy?" At the time, I thought things were going well. This was right for me. 

In the year prior, I had achieved a major milestone in my life after suffering one of the most traumatic events, the loss of my job; I had completed losing 88 pounds of fat. I had always struggled with my weight, even as a kid, I seemed to be a thicker type of guy. I spent of lot of time attempting to stay fit in both healthy and unhealthy ways. The years up to 2011, I was doing pretty good...

Enter Dickhead. Do you ever feel pressure when you are around people who are not healthy to be unhealthy yourself? It feels to me like times when you are at a crossroads and you have the decision to do what is right or do what feels better. Being with Dickhead felt like I was constantly making that type of decision, to which, I always chose what felt better, not what was right. I began to lose my self-restraint, self-efficacy and all the will power I once had, I took, crumpled up and threw in the wastepaper basket. 

I began to eat unhealthy amounts of food, as if I was in a competition to eat more than Dickhead. Now Dickhead was not the best looking guy, decent by comparison to some - his problem was he did not exercise or eat healthy, therefore his gut was growing. But that did not matter to me at the time, I was caught up in the fact I "liked him for him" and did my best to be non-judgmental based on his life choices. In fact, my lack of self-respect probably ended up hurting him more than it did me.

Fatty McFatterton

It is so easy to eat bad things. Why? Because they taste good. They are convenient. They are abundant and at times, effortless. Therefore, it is much more simple to partake in convenience, rather than force yourself to have skin-in-the-game and make food that is not only healthy, but has the potential to taste amazing. Why do so many of us think that healthy food tastes bad?!? Being with Dickhead, we ate out almost every time we were together - which was a significant amount of time. We both grew accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle full of fatty food, alcohol, marijuana and partying. 

Now, I am not blaming Dickhead for my problem - I was the one with the problem. I allowed myself to indulge, I was the one who was not saying no to those nights at Dairy Queen, fatty fries from Arby's or anything else I may have consumed during my 5 months with Dickhead. I will tell you though, if our situation was a character on Law & Order: SVU, that character would have been an accessory to murder because we spent no time attempting to correct the problem. We were criminals to ourselves as we continued to hurt and disrespect our bodies. It was murder.

Dun, dun...

In May 2011, I said goodbye to Dickhead while on the 605 passing Pasadena, CA. I had had enough of his attitude. I was not happy. I did not want to be with him anymore. What I did not know was the problems I developed while in the relationship with him would carryover to my new one. Overeating, anxiety eating, boredom eating. Eating eating eating. It is the common denominator to my life's equation. Food.

I met my would-be husband Will in the summer of 2011. #instantconnection 

It was such a unique paring that I was overwhelmed with just how much we had in common. Because if you look at us individually, you would not think compatibility, but boy have we proved everyone wrong! Being with Will is like being part of a perpetual and comforting hug. You feel safe, secure, you are not caught up in all the things going on with your life. The hug brings you back to your human need for touch. The hug makes you want to nestle in more, dig in deep and never let go. That is how being with Will feels like to me. But the problem with hugs are, the larger you are, the harder it is for others to wrap their arms around you.

To understand the kind of guy Will is means you have to look at your own life and think of a person who is non-combative, supportive in all things and wants to go out of their way to please you. If you have one of those people in your life, you have a Will. Will is always supporting me, no matter what I do. I admit, I have shamefully taken advantage of his kindness to the point I am now on this blog bearing my soul to all of you. #vulnerable

Will is always telling me I am sexy; the hottest man he has ever seen. All of those nice things a person likes to hear. He believes every word he says so much there is no point in debating him - he will never yield or see it your way. Unfortunately, as obligatory husband-isms go, they are not always accurate. :-) I used to be sexy. I used to be a real catch. Now, when I look at my reflection in the mirror, I am not quite sure who I am anymore. I see glimpses of the person past, the life I once had. I see elements of my once sexiness in my eyes and smirk on my face. But they have all begun to fade. 

Which reflection?

Instead, I have been replaced by a 6' 1/4'' tall, 318 pound man who has an eating disorder. A severe problem not only affecting the person I am and want to be, but others. The ripple effect is the proper way to illustrate cause and effect. The way I binge on food creates ripples across every aspect of my life. 

• Diminished will power
• Laziness/inactive/sedentary
• Depression
• Larger clothes
• Self-loathing
• Anger
• Regret
• Guilt
• Fear
• Repression
• Lies
• Addiction
• Loss of friendships
• Being withdrawn
• Suicidal thoughts

The items above are only some of the things present in my life today. Things I hide from everyone. Things I try not to acknowledge. Things I have now chosen to bring front and center to combat. 

Today, January 7, 2014, I am saying ENOUGH to these problems. I am putting my foot down and changing what I have allowed myself to become. 

I am going to lose weight.

I am going to eat right.

I am going to return back to a place where I once was.

I am going to do this.

Aaron, 1/7/2014

I placed my order today for the NutriSystem My Way Core meal-delivery plan. At $274.99 every 28 days, that is a pretty hefty price. However, if you take a calculation of all the money I spent last month (December 2013) on food, dinner and lunch outings and snacks (~$350.00) it does not seem like it will be a problem for me. Hell, if I can drop $350.00 easily on crap food, SAVING $75.00/month on food that will assist in my weight loss journey will be a cinch! 

I am also promising myself to dedicate 30 minutes of activity each day. Realizing I have to take baby steps first - I know I can get back to the active level I used to be. Before Dickhead came around, before I grew obsessed with eating, before I did not realize that my eating habits would have serious consequences to my health and self-image.

I am going to do this. Lather, rinse, repeat. I am going to do this.

With extreme excitement I begin this journey. I believe NutriSystem is going to ship out today and I plan to start on Monday, January 13, 2014 and will document my progress on this blog so one day, people will see I conquered a severe problem in my life and was able to put all the pieces back together.

During the days prior to 1/13/14, I will post reflections and inspirations on this blog that will begin the countdown to permanent weight loss. Here I am taking a stand and removing all things toxic from my life. Here I am re-committing myself to the person I know I can be. Here I am making a conscious effort to change. Here I am resolute.

Sincerely yours,

Mr. Carter